The gun felt heavy in my hand. I carefully looked at it. It mesmerized me. My stomach flipped as I thought how close I was to dying. I had the power to end my life. This gun was my path to freedom.
All the reasons I had to put the gun down were so far away. I couldn’t reach them anymore. I tried to find something, to find some thought that would make me put it down. Everything seemed hazy and dreamlike. There was nothing left for me to hold on to.
I slowly raised the gun and pointed it at my head. I was standing in front of a mirror and I did not know who I was looking at. I then heard a voice. It was calm, gentle, strong. “Why do you want to kill my beautiful creation”? “Why? Why do you want to kill my beautiful creation”?
Jesus, teach me that I am your beautiful creation.
Deuteronomy 32:10: In a desert land He found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and cared for him; He guarded him as the apple of His eye.
My sister is a nurse. Many years ago, she was an oncology nurse. She used to say, in a sing-song happy voice, “Cancer is the answer!”. I remember thinking in my early 20s mind (as I said, many years ago) how can she make light of such a horrible, scary disease? How could cancer be a happy answer? What was the question she was answering!?!
I was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer in April, 2015. I got the all clear in January, 2016. Dumb cancer is back and I’m starting a new chemo regimen today. Let me be clear, cancer sucks. Even though it sucks, it will not run or ruin my life. Yes, I know I’ll feel bad. Yes, I know cancer will probably shorten my life. But, I am so much more than somebody with cancer.
Friends and family have told me that they have cried about me. I think, please don’t cry! Cancer is dumb! I don’t have to work because of it! Cancer is the answer! Don’t think of me and be sad, you’re letting cancer win. I’m still me.
So, what is the question if cancer is the answer?
⇒ What disease do I spend more time laughing at than crying about?
⇒ What has brought more love into my life?
⇒ What has taught me how to better love and care for the people in my life?
During this chemo regimen, I’m sure there will be a day when I feel horrible. I will think of this post and know I must have been insane when I wrote it. But, it will also be a reminder for me that cancer can never invade my soul, and that’s what really matters.
I have been struggling with depression for years. I didn’t realize this until I was in my forties, when I was diagnosed. Looking back, it’s clear to see where I was struggling and I wish I could grab hold of that Julie’s hand and pull her out.
I wake to another morning. I think today the pain will surely end, but there is more. Where are You? Do You see me? Do You hear me? I look for a glimmer that tells me You are here. I can feel the silence.
I stumble through a day at work. I put on a happy face and smile. It is not an option to let anyone know my pain or to see any weakness.
Finally, back at home, I am glad to be away from people. I look forward to the escape of sleep. I don’t eat and climb into bed. I cry. It hurts, Father. I have never felt despair before, but I feel it now as it overwhelms my soul.
As I fall asleep, in the blackness I catch a small glimpse of light.
I know it’s You.
Jesus, teach me that even in the darkest places You will create light.
John 1:5: The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness doesn’t extinguish the light.