Another day in a haze. Should I thank You for this day when I don’t want it? It was painful to get up this morning. I am thankful to You for the gift of sleep. I did not want to leave that escape to go out and be a part of this horrible world.
I watched the people at work. There was a party – lots of talking and laughing. I wanted someone to talk to me, I wanted to be sought out, I wanted to be that girl who always says something clever. Funny how these are the same things I’ve always wanted throughout my life. I ended up going back to my cubicle where I quietly watched, safe and alone. After the party, I did talk to one person. I know I’m in her thoughts. Maybe she will pray for me. Maybe You will listen to her?
God, why can’t I find You? Could You please send just a little comfort? My soul is cold, numb. I need to remind myself that things could always be worse and I should be thankful for what I have. I am thankful for my son. For his maturity and his good heart. If the price to pay for his happiness is for me to be unhappy, I will gladly accept that.
I hate my life. I hate being stuck. I hate making the best of a bad situation. I hate being an afterthought. I hate smiling when I want to scream. I am here, but I am too insignificant to be noticed.
Jesus, teach me that You are always seeking me out. It’s impossible to comprehend how You are in control of everything, You are the King. Yet You see me, You know me, You are with me.
Julie, I thank you for reaching so terribly deep within yourself to share your pain. May it bring a glimmer of hope to all the others who cannot find their voice to express what they are feeling, and to have a voice in you.
Oh, my heart and hugs go out to you, I am praying for you, and am familiar with depression. You are very good at articulating your thoughts and feelings, especially during this time. Hang in there, Julie.