I have struggled with depression for many years. What I have written below takes place several years ago, when I was quickly unraveling and sliding into deep depression..
Another day and nothing really bad happened. I’m getting more and more stuck in this not caring mood. There is just not much I care about and it feels strange. Why care? I honestly don’t know. I’m dreading work. Staying home in silence probably not a good option. I’ll coast in automatic. I’ll listen for You, but know You’ll be quiet again.
I guess I don’t really know what I’m looking for. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know who I am. My birthday is in a few weeks. Another year going by and what do I have to show for it? Have I succeeded at anything? Have I made progress? Why care?
I’m great at being neutral. I stay in the middle where it’s safe. Being neutral is probably worse than being good or evil in Your eyes. Can I be such a failure? Nothing, that’s me. I stand for nothing, accomplish nothing, nobody will remember me. Easily replaceable, easy to forget. An afterthought by friends, family, co-workers. Why care?
My biggest fear is I’m an afterthought to You. I can’t think of anything that could be worse than You forgetting me. Yet at times, I really believe that you have. I have to find something inside me to help pull me up, but then my next thought is I don’t care if I get up or not. Everything feels so uncomfortable. There is much I want to ask from You. But, if you give it to me, then I’ll have to do something and step out of the darkness. If You give it to me, I’ll have to be among the living.
I’ll just let it go.
Jesus, teach me that I am Your child and that is my identity. You don’t make mistakes and You created me for a reason. I will hold tightly to Your hand as You lead me through this life.