Several years ago I struggled with depression. Below is something I did during the struggle. I remember when I told my therapist what I had done, she was very concerned. But, I couldn’t understand why. I wanted her to see I was fine, that I was going to be just fine. If you know someone dealing with depression treat them with care. They are looking for a way out. Hold their hand as they find the path.
Today is the first day back from a trip with family and friends. It was a mentally strenuous trip. I was tired from keeping a smile on my face and not letting anyone see that I was breaking on the inside. Things happened on the trip that stirred up old memories and deep pain. The actions of the same people were causing the hurt. I felt like a little girl sitting in a corner, watching people live their lives with their backs to me.
I’m taking a sick day so I can regroup and get my mind together. While on the trip, I had pushed the pain aside to deal with it at another time. It was now time to look at what I had put away. As I slowly allowed myself to feel the hurt I started to panic. I was afraid it would overwhelm me. I had to stop and find a way to prove that I could stay in control.
Guns have been a symbol of escape for me. I know they can quickly bring death. If I can control something so powerful, then I should be able to control the hurt. I went and got the gun out of its hiding place. I held on to it and sat down. I gently set it on my lap and looked at it. I was very careful to point it away from me because I didn’t want to hurt myself. I thought about how powerful the gun was and what it could end. I can control this, I can do this. I felt relief. My mind is still strong enough to keep the charade going.
Isaiah 35:4 – Tell everyone who is discouraged, be strong and don’t be afraid! God is coming to your rescue…”