We’re getting close to back to school time. I’m glad, all these little hoodlums need to get back in the classroom and learn something! When my son was younger, I was usually ready for him to get back to the steady routine that school brings to our lives. Except for one year.
The thought of him leaving for college always hovered in the back of my mind. For so long I could ignore it and tell myself there was still plenty of time. Until his senior year in high school. I think I spent that school year holding my breath because I didn’t want it to end. Somehow I made it through. During that painful weekend I moved him 3 hours away for college, I did something that went against everything I felt I should do for him as his mom. I left him. Below is the story about the day I did it.
It’s a typical hot, August in Texas day. Yesterday I moved my only child into an apartment for college. The fear and sadness of leaving him busied in the back of my mind, threatening to come front and center. I definitely had to ignore these feelings, this is no time to lose it. I wanted to be strong and stay smiling for him. I hoped that some of his excitement would come my way. But, none did. I have a pit in my stomach and my heart wants to sob.
He spent last night in his new apartment, his first night on his own. I spent last night in a hotel room, not sleeping and thinking about how I would be able to drive away from him. We met for breakfast. Worst…Breakfast…Ever. I ate something, but don’t recall what it was. I almost kept my eyes dry.
We finished and walked out of the restaurant. I hugged him. I was desperate to hold on to him forever. I wished he could be 4 again and I could feel his small hand in mine. I told him I loved him, then turned and walked away. It felt completely unnatural. I was abandoning my child.
I sat in my car and got myself together. As I put the key in the ignition, I heard a small voice. The voice said, “He is My child. I will take care of him.” I thanked God for the gift of my son. I thanked God for allowing me to raise him. I thanked God for entrusting me with him. I am honored to call him my son.
James 1:17 – Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow.
Beautifully written.
Lots of ‘looking in the rear view mirror driving away’ memories are brought up with this post. A piece of your heart is also left when leaving your children to the next phase of their lives. We think raising them is endless and sometimes thankless but actually in the blink of an eye, they are grown and gone. Then you are left wondering where you fit in their lives anymore. God has it all under control. Beautifully expressed, Julie.