Like many people who struggle with depression, I did get to a turning point. It’s difficult to look up for light when it’s safer to stay in the dark. It’s difficult to allow hope in when you feel so hopeless. During my struggle several years ago, I did begin to allow a little space in the darkness for hope. As I read what I wrote years ago, it’s interesting to see that hope was all around me. I had to learn to trust it.
Let’s be clear, I had no business being born. God, I really think you made a mistake. You may prove me wrong at some point, but as of now I’ve made no impact. Without a doubt, I could vanish and besides my son, nobody would skip a beat. I think my son would be OK but it’s the control freak in me that thinks nobody can take care of him better than I can. There’s a thought to hold on to, being a control freak is what keeps me going, keeps me alive.
I see the pity in the eyes of people when they look at me. They know something is wrong with me, but it’s too uncomfortable to talk about depression or mental illness. I wish I could tell them what I’m struggling with and not feel embarrassed. Having to hide that I want to die is exhausting. I wonder what kind of support I would get if they realized this disease is deadly. Even though they may not understand what I’m going through, I know their acceptance would help me.
Today, two people asked me when my next “appointment” was. That’s great. I wish I knew what kind of vibe I was putting out there that would cause people to ask when I’m scheduled to see my therapist again. I used to think saying I’m seeing a therapist is a sign of weakness. It means I can’t fix what’s wrong with me on my own. I don’t have a physical ailment, it’s only a problem in my head. I’m not strong enough or smart enough to get over something that many think is imaginary.
But lately, I have begun to like the sound of having a therapist. It means there is a chance that someone can help this little girl, teenager, single mom, lost daughter, lonely sister. Maybe someone can help me bring all these pieces together and be normal and strong again.
I do think someday I’ll feel better. Right now, just sitting at the bottom with my head down is OK.
Mathew 5:1 – 5; Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them. He said: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.