I have envisioned my heaven. I live in a valley between soaring mountains. The sky is a perfect deep blue and there is always a gentle breeze. All the dogs I’ve had through my life run around me and play. They are so happy, their wagging tails making me smile. I feel the sun on my face, the breeze in my hair. I am strong and full of peace. I sit on a blanket under huge trees and breathe in the beauty. I see Jesus walking towards me. He sits down beside me. We talk quietly about how happy I am, how thankful I am for what He’s done for me.
Since my cancer diagnosis, I think a lot about death. My thoughts now are very different from those I had when I was struggling with depression. At that time I could not imagine a heaven. No beautiful, happy place was waiting for me. My soul was dark and empty. There was no room in my mind for ideas that were full of light and hope. I believed that death was my only option to escape from the pain.
During this struggle, one of my dogs became very sick and he was suffering. I decided it was best to put him to sleep. In the exam room at the vet’s office, blankets were brought in to make him comfortable. I got down on the floor beside him and held him. The drugs were administered and he quietly slipped away. I cried because I was sad to lose him. I cried because I desperately wanted to go with him. I didn’t want to ever step outside that exam room. I didn’t care what happened after death. I wanted to cease to exist and become nothing.
Now, death doesn’t mean an end or an escape. It means a transition to all the amazing things God has waiting for me. Through my fight with cancer, I have found joy and purpose. I know who I am and why I’m here. I can die knowing I found the courage to listen to the small voice that kept telling me to share my story. I can die knowing I conquered my biggest fears and I now shout out the secrets I hid from the world. I can die with the knowledge that those secrets were loving examples of God’s hand in my life.
Today is another page in the story of my wonderful life here on earth. I know this story will end but having a cancer diagnosis doesn’t mean I’m going to die sooner than anyone else. Cancer only serves as a constant reminder that there is a timer running.
James 4:14 – How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog–it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom Julie.
Your wisdom is remarkable.
Beautiful!