Today, I found something I had written 20 years ago. As I read it, I found it fascinating. I can see the early tracks of depression in my thoughts. At the time, I didn’t realize where these thoughts would lead me. I can see I was lost but still looking for a way out. I still had hope. I was still praying to God and asking for His help. Yet, I can also see the cracks in my spirit. For me, depression built slowly over time. It took many years for it to finally break me. When my thoughts began to turn darker and I thought about suicide, I wish I had reached out for help then and not have waited so many years. This is what I wrote:
Is it really that important to be with someone? If I don’t stand by me, who will? I haven’t done that in a long time. I react, not act.
People are incredibly deep sources of heartache. They are unreliable and selfish. Is it really necessary to have people in my life or am I afraid and avoiding the risk of pain? Why would I want to put myself in a potentially painful situation? Plain and simple, people hurt.
No one close to me has died, yet I have witnessed many types of death. All the way back to when I was young, parts of my heart and soul have died. Some resurrected, some still gone. All those secret places that beg me to remember and feel. I’d rather cover it up and look the other way. Why God? Why have you decided not to give me someone to lean on? Why must I stand so very alone? Please stand by me. I need to stop jumping from one distraction to another. Act, don’t react. Julie – you know she knows what is best, who else do you have?
God, I know you must be observing this. I want to breathe with no weight on my chest and not feeling bogged down. I want to feel alive. I want to feel.
God, help me to be my own best friend. You’ve got to love me, God. If I were to die, would it merely be an inconvenience to others? If I were gone, things would easily be smoothed over and life would quickly move on. Please God, surely I’m not worth that little. Do you see me? I’ve looked everywhere for answers.
I look back and remember the pain I had then. That Julie seems so innocent and oblivious to what is to come. I’d give anything to go back and help her avoid it. But if I did, I wouldn’t have experienced the depth of God’s love for me. The deeper the darkness, the greater the miracle.
Jesus, teach me to keep a close eye on myself and the people in my life. Keep me from ignoring any warning signs because I think they’re not important or temporary. Help me to remember we are all amazing creations. We’re here to make a difference and build each other up.
BE – coming one’s own best friend after years of self criticism is challenging hard work. Then, and only then, can we truly BE in the present for ourselves and others. We could not then dismiss what seems a bothersome temporary behavior. Some of us are better at being human ‘do-ers’ than human BE-ings! And that is another lesson to thank you for, Julie!