Another month passes by without mom, this one in particular was a bit harder than the first couple. October was always mom’s favorite month. It was kind of like a “Peace” time, as it was a month without any major things happening. September was always crazy between school and my birthday, and November had her birthday and Thanksgiving. She loved that the weather was finally changing, and in Texas that was always something to look forward to. Besides the cooler weather, October is always prime time for football. Mom was a big Cowboys fan, and we even did fantasy football for a year and her team name was “Dak to the Future”. I was/am the commissioner for the league that we played, and when the time came to start fantasy again this year, nothing was harder than staring at her team, knowing that she wasn’t going to be playing again.
Everyone deals with the passing of a loved one differently. For me it’s avoidance. I don’t like it, but it’s just what I’m doing/did, and if I could stop I would. When I say avoidance, I don’t mean that I’m not accepting the fact that mom passed away, I just avoid (subconsciously) thinking, or talking about it. Of course that’s where therapy comes in to help that avoidance.
Anyways, back to the story.
This fantasy football thing was the real first instance that I truly had to face the fact that mom was actually gone. I wasn’t going to stop the league, others still wanted to play, but were very understanding if I wanted to take a break for a season. Outside of mom’s actual passing, nothing has been harder than hitting the “Delete Owner” button next to her team name. I’m not exaggerating when I say it took me days to build up the strength to do it, and I cried every time I looked at her name. It may seem minor, but I will never forget sitting on that couch, closing my eyes, holding back tears, and finally hitting that button.
I did feel a sort of sense of relief, and even could hear mom in my head go “Good job Alex!” the way she used to. I know that there is nothing she wants more than for me and all of her loved ones to move forward with their lives. To never forget her, but not dwell on her.
I know she and God gave me the strength to move forward, and will continue to.
Psalm 32:8 – I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with MY eye upon you