Throughout my life, I always wanted to be chosen. In elementary school, I was the kid chosen last for teams in gym class. I wasn’t the little girl that everyone liked, with pretty bows in her hair and the latest lunch box. I usually had the buttons on my sweater crooked and my shoes untied. If I left the house with bows in my hair, I lost them before I got to school.
In junior high, I was not the girl chosen by the cute and popular guys. In 6th grade, my best friend and I liked the same guy. For some reason, I thought it would be a great idea to make him choose between the two of us. And no, he did not choose me. Why I would set myself up for this, I have no idea.
I attended a small, Christian high school. There were many girls from wealthy families. They were thin and beautiful and drove new cars. I put them on a pedestal. At lunch, everyone sat in circles. I would have given anything to have one of them invite me into her circle. One day, I got brave and sat just outside a circle and hoped I would be let in. A girl moved so she was in front of me and left me on the outside. After that day, I spent many lunch hours in the bathroom so no one would see me eat alone.
In my family, I am the middle child. I have a smart, pretty, outgoing older sister. She had lots of boyfriends and a ton of self-confidence. She was not afraid to take on the world and tell anyone who would listen, they were going to do it her way. I also have a sweet, younger brother. He was such a cute little boy with big, blue eyes. I thought it was very important for my parents to now have a son. In my young, romantic brain, I knew I would never be as important as him because he would carry on our name! I felt invisible between the two of them. I was gray compared to their vibrancy. I loved them desperately and was always willing to stay in the background.
In my late teens, I started a 10 year relationship with my first love. For me, this was that see fireworks kind of love that I knew would last forever. I desperately wanted this man to choose me. I convinced myself that there was something about me I could improve, that there was something I could do better.I did just about everything but cut out my heart and hand it to him. I hung in for a long time, hoping he would see that I’m not that bad and I was worth choosing. He never would, he never did.
I’ve spent a lot of time and energy trying to be chosen. I wasted a lot of tears when I wasn’t. It took me a long time to understand and believe that it was their loss, not mine. You have to take a little more time, make a little extra effort to get to know me. I now know that I’m totally worth it.
John 15:16 – You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that you should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatever you shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.